I keep grieving the old me

There are moments in a persons life that cause grief, like losing a loved one or a good friend. But we never seem to mention the feeling of grieving the versions of ourselves that we’ve lost. The old me. The me that laughed differently. The me that trusted others more easily. The me that thought so highly of myself or even the me that had dreams I no longer carry. The me that existed before life changed me.

It’s a weird feeling to grieve the old me. It’s not as obvious as mourning someone who passed, but it still aches. The feeling creeps in when I find old photos and realize I don’t see myself in that person anymore. Or when I hear a song that use to feel like mine but now belongs to someone I no longer am. I use to be so full of energy, hope, and light. She believed certain things would last forever. Thought that pain was temporary and love alone was enough. She made mistakes, but she also had a kind of innocence that I miss. I don’t always love the version of myself that I’ve grown into, more guarded, less trusting, sometimes heavier with unspoken thoughts. Growth is necessary, but it isn’t always comforting.

Grief seems to show up when I realize that those parts of me will never return. The person I was before heartbreak, certain losses, or health issues. And I try to remind myself that even though I’ve changed, I’ve also gained things. Things like wisdom, perspective, strength. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling down on the subject. It’s important to let ourselves feel loss over those versions of us. To say, “I miss you. Thank you for carrying me this far.” Because that old me mattered. She helped shape the person I am today. She carried the dreams, lessons, and love that still lives in me. Even if they look different now.

This doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy with who I am today, it just means I’m aware of the loss. We don’t stay the same forever. We shed layers, we outgrow things, we adapt. And sometimes that process hurts. So if you miss the old you, you’re not alone. It’s okay to grieve who you once were, while still learning to embrace who you’re becoming. Growth and grief can coexist. This does not mean you are stuck, it means you are human. And I know that I say that phrase a lot in most of my blog posts but I feel that it doesn’t get said enough. People seem to imply the idea of being perfect onto others and it sticks with us. Sometimes you need reminded that you are just a person, maybe even multiple times. And one day, you’ll look back at who you are right now and grieve this version too. And that’s okay. It’s all part of living, changing, and carrying the pieces of every version of me moving forward.

Previous
Previous

Nostalgia is the new escape method

Next
Next

Why am I introverted?